Saturday, August 06, 2005

Theological Differences

Ambipositional (I made that word up) blogger buddy, ER, And I had a short discussion about the shift toward conservatism in the Southern Baptist Convention the other day. While I am conservative, ER is, not surprisingly, liberal. Fortunately, inerrancy of scripture is not an issue over which we, as Baptists should be divided. It is pretty much just an issue to be discussed in a amiable manner.

That was way too much background information for the purpose of this post. I really only wanted to post this account of an adventure the great theologian, Emo Phillips wrote about. It has absolutely nothing to do with the aforementioned discussion:

I was in San Francisco once, walking along the Golden Gate Bridge, and I saw this guy on the bridge about to jump. So I thought I'd try to stall and detain him, long enough for me to put the film in. I said, "Don't jump!" and he turns... You've heard of the elephant man. He was kind of like that, he had a, well, you could say he had the head of a horse. And my heart went out to him. I said, "Why the long face?"
He said, "'Cause all my life people have called me mean names like horses-head or Flicka or chess-piece or Trigger..."
I said, "Well, don't worry about it, Ed. It can't be that bad."
He said, "My girlfriend's suing me!"
I said, "For palomino?"
He said, "Why was I put on this Earth?"
I said, "My friend, anywhere else you wouldn't stand a chance."
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you, you silly ninny."
He said, "How do you know there's a God?"
I said, "Of course there's a God. Do you think that billions of years ago a bunch of molecules floating around at random could someday have had the sense of humor to make you look like that?"
He said, "I do believe in God."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too. Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What franchise?"
He says, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reform Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist."
I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off the bridge!

Here are some bonus theological "Emoisms":

On Prayer: "When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me."

On Responsibility: "I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson"

On Compassion: "I was in the park today, and I saw an old lady going through trash cans, and my heart went out to her. I have a lot of compassion for old ladies going through trash cans, they'd saved my life so many times as a child."

On a more serious note: Today is the 60th anniversary of the day an atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima, Japan, taking over 140,000 lives. Take a few minutes to reflect on this and try to appreciate the freedoms we sometimes take for granted.

There. try to spin that!


Lone Ranger said...

OK, "America" did not drop the bomb, Truman did. This is yet another Democratic atrocity for which "America" has to bear the burden. Since it was top secret, Republicans did not have the opportunity to weigh in and tell Truman how insane it would be. But conservatives certainly aired their opinions for days and years after the fact. Not meaning to advertise my blog, but I'm too lazy to copy my entry over here.

Erudite Redneck said...

Ranger, does yer nose bleed up there on yer high horse?

Feel free to reply in kind. Someone else will if ya don't, I reckon.

That makes the current war(s)' atrocities all "Republican" mistakes for which "America" must bear the burden. The supposed adage that politics ends at the water's edge has always been BS, from the Revolution on, but laying the blame for those Japanese deaths at the feet of the Dems is just stupid.

Oh, wait! It DID end the war, and it DID save many more lives than it cost. So, it's a credit, not a discredit. Never mind. I'll take the credit for the Dems, since obviously the Repubs and their fledgling military-industrial complex obviously would have preferred to keep the war going all through the 1950s. Coulda just segued right into Vietnam a little more smoothly that way.

Mark, funny quotes. One of my favorites goes something like this. Baptist and Methodists don't see eye to on baptism. Baptists and Catholics don't see eye to eye on the pope. And Baptists and Baptists don't eye to eye at the liquor store. (Maybe I just cobbled that together from several jokes?)

Oh, and thanks for the plug, but the link has an extra "http:" in the address. :-)

Mark said...

Once again, I am admonished by someone I respect for my ignorance.

Be that as it may, I still think this day is a good day for all of us to reflect upon the freedoms we all take for granted.

Any day is.

Note: This is supposed to be a funny post!

Mark said...

ok, I fixed it, ER. Thanks for the heads up

Bruce Zedima said...

Thanks for the philosophies, and paying it forward. Similar to ours.

KTF - Know the Facts!

Lone Ranger said...

Who was at the helm of EVERY lengthy war of the 20th century? WWI - Woodrow Wilson, WWII, FDR, Korean War, Truman, Vietnam - Johnson, Bosnia - Clinton. ALL DEMOCRATS. And I might remind you that there STILL is not exit strategy from Bosnia. When is Clinton's war going to end?

We didn't have to get involved in WWI. It was just a spat among the crowned heads of Europe -- many of whom were related. The British Royals were German!
They couldn't even speak English! What business of ours was it if Germany won the war? And when we defeated Germany, it set the groundwork for Hitler to come to power. WWII would never have happened had not Wilson poked his nose into WWI. You have absolutely NO proof that nuking Japan would have resulted in fewer deaths. That's Democrat propaganda. You have absolutely NO proof that killing 220,000 men, women and childen was justified.

We DID segue smoothly into Vietnam -- it was called the Korean War, which, once again, would never have happened had a DEMOCRAT -- FDR -- not divided up the world with Stalin. FDR had no reason to compromise with Stalin. At the end of WWII, Russia was smaller than in the days of the Czars, and we could have popped them like a soap bubble had they tried to take over East Europe and parts of Asia. So, FDR was also responsible for the Cold War. And let me remind you that it was Republican President Eisenhower who warned against getting involved in the military-industrial complex. Step aside, before my high horse tramples you.

Erudite Redneck said...

Thus did Lone Ranger -- with too little backbone to allow comments even on an ANONYMOUS blog (his own) -- angrily sputter a line of disconnected assertions, avoiding my retort almost completely.

Hoo hoo. I will give you this; I've never known a broadcast "journalist" who ever pretended to be a historian. You are the first. Read that closely.

And now, I will retire, before this gets really ugly. :-)

Mark said...

Boys, boys, let's all play nice.

It's the weekend!

Etchen said...

Lone Ranger- As a fellow Republican, I resent the idea that you blame all Democrats for involving us in our wars. Sometimes there are atrocities unto which we cannont close our eyes. Perhaps so high up on your horse there you cannot see it, but I am hard pressed to find other Republicans who would blame WWII on Democrats. I would take a guess that you are so consumed with party lines that you are willing to blame anything on the Dems, no matter how far fetched.

Mark said...

OK. This was supposed to be a humor post. If I see one more comment on who is responsible for the war or the bomb, I will delete it. If you want to argue about this, you all have your own blogs. Write about it on them, and I will be happy to go read them, and make a comment on them if I have anything to say about it.

But this post is HUMOR!

Barry Poyant said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mark said...

I told you. I wasn't kidding.

Erudite Redneck said...


The End is no longer near. It's happened. Everybody who is going to heaven is there.

A bunch of Baptists see a bunch of Catholics at the arrival gate and, each being totally floored to see the others "made it," they all embrace and hug and carry on and laugh at their earthly differences.

St. Peter meets them and leads them down a wide hallway, I reckon to the banquet hall wherein the Marriage Supper of the Lamb is fixin' to take place.

A ways down the hall, Peter shushes the merry-makers, asks them to be real quiet and to tiptoe past a big door through which everybody can hear some holy hubbub goin' on.

On the other side, after Peter allows as to how they can all resume their huggin' and laughin' and carryin' on, some of the Baptists and Catholics ask St. Peter who that was on the other side of the door and why they had to be quiet.

And Peter said: "Oh, that's the Church of Christ. They still think they're the only ones here."


Bruce Zedima said...

Pay it forward, brother! Just as Steven would - you should check out Steven's Way.

KTF - Know the Facts!

Barry Poyant said...

Did you read my first post? I didn't write anything about who was right or wrong...bomb shomb... You suggested for readers to "Take a few minutes to reflect on this and try to appreciate the freedoms we sometimes take for granted."

I did, and then posted my comment. It was satirical (you know a form of humor)
Humor has the seeds of truth that’s why it’s funny. The fact you censored me proves – makes it even funnier. I meant no harm - just thought.


Mark said...

Barry i didn't censor you. I said the next comment on the war or the bomb was going to be deleted. You commented on it. I keep my promises.

Mark said...

Will some one please tell me how to post a picture in my profile?

Barry Poyant said...

2 Ways to add a picture

1. Download "hello" it's free then follow the directions to post an image (jpeg) to a blog. After you post to your blog - you will see the new post with the image you uploaded. Edit that post - will will need to switch to HTML mode to see the HTML code. Find the "URL" to the image it will look something like this ""

use that url in your profile - boom your done

2. FTP an jpg image to a webserver then use the url for your profile.

Pass this info on...

"Had we not taken this "nuclear option", millions more lives would have been lost."

I took a few minutes to think about this and I came to the conclusion that you and I both do not know the outcome - if we took the other path. Can we guess? sure... I try to keep from hypothetical comments. Do I make them you bethcha!

Also, that event has nothing to do with the appreciation (or lack there of) of the freedoms we sometimes take for granted. It is to reflect on how lucky we were to be on the other side of that bomb.

We are all free if we just want to be. Do you rush to work? If you are “late” (whatever that mean) – then you are not free. You are controlled. Do what we do and take a temp job – you will feel better!


rich bachelor said...

This one's got whiskers on it, but...
An American tourist is visiting Ireland, and not liking it one bit. Finally one day, it just gets to be too much for him and he starts shouting in a pub; "I hate Ireland! It's cold and wet and full of Catholics!"
At this point, an old man up at the bar looks and says, "Aye, then ye' ought to go to hell. It's hot and dry and full of Protestants."

Francis Lynn said...

Okay - my contribution:
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying .. . that phrase . . . in no time."

"Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."