Monday, June 20, 2005

Headlines in 2029

Someone sent this to me in e-mail. Somehow I don't think it's far off:

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Natalee Holloway still missing, Aruba police to begin investigation.

Actually, I have in my twisted little mind an idea for a book which will seek to show what life will be like in the future, if current trends continue at the present rate. Some of these will no doubt be included. If any of you professional writers out there would be interested in co-authoring a book with me, please e-mail me. The link to my e-mail is in my profile.


Etchen said...

So true, so true. Thanks for one of the best laughs I've had in a long time!

FrenziedFeline said...

ROFL! Love it! :)

tugboatcapn said...

One thing that I see wrong with that list is that is says that we have wiped out Islam and taken over the Middle East without conservatives.The only way that could happen is if the appeasement and begging from the left made the terrorists all so sick that they laid down and died.
Whe your book comes out, I want an autographed copy!!
Looking forward to it!!!

Toad734 said...

I would say it is heading in the opposite direction, here’s my take:

Last remaining tree in Brazil and Oregon are cut down

The new Bible will be released this year to include the Bush legacy.

Social Security is in trouble again, the Republican Congress decides they should allow people to take their portion of SS to the horse track in order to increase their earnings at a ratio of 10:1.

The Christian Militia executes the last US science teacher today in Northern Indiana. With his last words he still claimed that the Earth was round and that God didn't create man on the 6th day of Earths existence.

The last US factory closed today with cheers and applause from America’s top .05% income earners who now own 98% of our nation’s wealth. They were quoted as saying “This is a great day for capitalism, the people have spoken and with this closure we should see a .25 point increase in McGeneral Electric-Marts stock price. The lazy, poor criminal element that used to be known as factory workers were bulldozed into a ditch and executed in the name of Jesus.

The US invaded Indonesia today upon fears that one of their citizens was firing a gun into the air expressing his discontent with the US. The sun will truly never set on the American Empire. Ayatollah J.W. Bush II was quoted as saying "You are either with us or against us and the cause of freedom."

A new report was released today indicating that the senate inquiry into removing Bill Clinton from the history books, revealed that Clinton may have also lied to his father when he was 12 and a half years old. This has long been a debate as congress insisted that the most prosperous time in American history since post WWII was due to Reagan’s sharp mind and superior intellect.

This years death rate for women who seek abortions has declined this year to 29,742, down 4% from last years numbers. The American Family Association was quoted as saying "The Culture of Life is prevailing and the decrease in death rates goes to show that fewer women are seeking illegal back alley abortions."

The United States of Europe was accused by America of being socialist due to their low rate of poverty, high employment rate and universal health care. Ayatollah Bush was pointing out the parallels between the new European State and the Nazis of Germany. Many Europeans feel Bush was just lashing out due to the weakening dollar and Europe’s huge trade surplus.

China has secured the large US owned industrial complex, expelled all American business men and converted these factories for Military applications to further strengthen their dominance of the lunar landscape. US Businessmen cry foul but were told by Bush that we have no recourse against such a huge industrial giant, and since all of our military weapons were manufactured in China over the last few years, we have no capacity to build up our military in protest.

BRUISER said...





Mark said...

Wow, Toad. I am impressed. That was well thought out. Maybe you should consider writing a book. Oh, and it was funny, too. I actually only added one item to the headline list of my own. the one about Natalee Holloway.

Toad734 said...

I should have probably included the troubles with Floridas voting machines on mine as well.

By the way, electric, is not the way of the future for autos. Toyota announced it will have a Hydrogen powered car for under $50k by 2015. And they are able to do this without Federal Subsidies and corporate bail outs with US taxpayers money, unlike GM who has yet to make a hybrid available.

Toad734 said...

Ok my Headlines list is now complete on my site.