Saturday, November 26, 2005

Guest Post Today

I have things to do today and I had an idea for a blogpost today but the idea has removed itself from my mind. Totally. So I am going to feature a guest blogger today.

OK, He's not really a guest blogger. I stole this off his web site. Anyway, here's Larry the Cable guy:

GIT-R-DONE! Well here we are headed to Thanksgiving about to head to that stretch drive of Christmas and once again the anti-Christmas assholes are trying to ban "Merry Christmas". Lets see, it's a holiday about the birth of Christ but yet were not supposed to mention Christ! That makes as much sense as Michael Moore test driving a Mini Cooper! Ya know the Christian religion only gets what, two holidays a year? Christmas and Easter, three if ya count the Daytona 500, and now these PC assholes want to ban "Merry Christmas"! I say this year "Merry Christmas" your ass off as loud as ya can just to piss these pathetic people off! This pisses me off! I'm under more stress than the fat Dixie Chick's control top panties!

My brother however just had some good news this season. Budweiser just sent him a lifetime achievment award and Cracker Barrel just inducted him into the Cracker Barrel wall of bad checks! We're so damn proud! Here's something that gets me as irritated as Star Jones getting mistaken by photographers as ex Chicago Bear William "Refrigerator" Perry. I keep seeing these Hickory Farms baskets in stores that you can buy as gifts. What kinda gift is that? I guess nothing says "Happy Birthday Jesus" like a 2 foot meat stick and some spicy mustard! This world is nuttier than squirrel poop! Speaking of fecies, can you believe how long all those riots in France lasted? Incredible! But I guess when ya don't shower a lot and there's a lot of body odor 24 hours a day then I suppose tear gas aint much of a repelant for anybody. I heard that the only thing that made the idiots stop rioting and head for safety was when the French police took their boots off! (That's funny I and don't care who ya are!) Well I have some bad news. I think my nephew is having sex with his teacher. I've never actually seen anything happen but my sister told me that he came home 2 days in a row with 3 gold stars on his nuts! I have no idea what that means but that just doesn't seem on the up and up.

Well it's time to get into the updates. I hope all my fans have a great Thanksgiving and Christmas season. If you're a Corona beer drinker you may wanna think twice about drinking it over the holidays. Ever since the hurricane went through Mexico, Corona beer is now up to $3 a barrel. Speaking of hurricanes, my Grandma's gas problem is getting worse. Last night the National Weather Service has upgraded her farts to a category 5 so I have to go over and tape up her windows up this weekend! I really am starting to feel sorry for FEMA. First of all, thank you to all my fans this year for coming to my shows. I have by far the best fans ever and not a day goes by that I don't thank you and appreciate your sense of humor and your support. My tour ends on the 10th of December at the National Finals Rodeo in Las Vegas at the Orleans so I hope ya make it out to the rodeo and my show!! It's almost as much fun as curing the bird flu with BB guns and bird feeders!

My book is out and thanks to those of you who picked it up. It reached #26 on the New York Times best seller list. If you don't have it, think about picking it up, I think you'll enjoy it. Also, look for the Christmas CD again this year as fans have been asking for it. It's a collection of goofy Christmas songs and stories that was originally released in 1993. It's something that you fans had requested from all those years when I called radio stations. It's a must for fans that have been with me from early on and want to relive the good ole days.

For the fans of Blue Collar TV, that DVD is in stores now and I thank all our fans for making that show a success. My movie Larry The Cable Guy - Health Inspector will be released on March 31st and I promise you'll laugh your ass off. Also coming up in June of 2006, don't miss me as the tow truck "Mater" in the Disney/Pixar film Cars. This is by far the coolest thing I've ever done and I know for a fact this will be Pixar's biggest movie yet. It wont be bigger than "Stroker Ace" but then again, what is?

If your around a TV on December 6th I'll be on the Billboard Music Awards on Fox and then on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno on December 9th. All these of course depend on my parol officer. My new CD "The Right to Bare Arms" is just kickin' ass and if ya aint got it then you're a communist.

Well that's it! Ya'll have a great Thanksgiving and Christmas, That's right, I said Christmas as in the birth of Christ, so kiss my ass. Thanks again to all my fans for all your support this year and I love ya'll to death. Remember to always speak your mind and piss off a political corrector. Everyday you can piss off a PC asshole is a good day. Happy hunting season, Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas!


Larry The Cable Guy


Gayle said...

This guy is really funny! :)

Yes, the "Merry Christmas" nonsense is ridiculous. How can they possibly be trying to take "Christ" out of "Christmas?" Okay, I'll answer my own question: because they really are moonbats!

Pamela Reece said...

Mark, you always crack me up with your humor! I say this to all our fellow conservative Christians...say to every person you see, meet or have contact with this holiday season "Merry Christmas!". It's my vow this season!

BRUISER said...

Yeha the fake war on their religion has begun ... good thing Jerry Falwell has bought 1,500 ...ahem... "activist" lawyers to feel the wrath of Christmas... next thing they'll tell you Katrina wasn't caused by the heat of the ocean but rather Oral Roberts sleeping with Jessica Hann. Are you guys really serious about this whole evangelical crusade thing or what? I mean hate muslims all you want for choosing another religion besides yours ... but I thought stores started to tie in all the Holidays to get a jump on the shopping season and thus making a capitlistic society improve its bottom line. So forgive me for saying so but how can you Republican Conservatives be so against the free and open market? Your just being so socialist about the whole Christmas thing and stipening the spending of consumers driven to shop when "Holiday" spending can be extended a full month before giving the market a boost. The Christian Evangelicals seem more Anti-Thanksgiving and Anti-Corporate Freedom and less about baby jeebus.

Anonymous said...

Jesus still loves you bruiser!

Anonymous said...

I would like you to come up with some concrete examples of anyone banning "Merry Christmas."

Examples. Real ones, not conjecture and silly shrieking about it. Actual facts.

Mark said...

Anon, I don't personally know of any myself. Maybe you should ask Larry the Cable Guy! After all, it is he you are attempting to argue with. Geeeez.

Mark said...

Welcome back, Bruiser! I guess my little experiment with comment moderation must have scared you off. What's the matter? Afraid I might not let others see your comments? I wouldn't do that to you. I want everyone to read your rambling, off topic, incoherent, drug induced, moonbatty, bumper sticker mentality comments.

your friend Si said...

he looks gay

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