Sunday, October 28, 2007

The Begatting Of A Candidate

"God bless thee; and put meekness in thy mind, love, charity, obedience, and true duty!" ~ William Shakespeare

And it came to pass, that the time for the primaries hath come, and the bumper stickers are brought forth upon the bumpers and the bleating of the candidates is heard throughout the land.

And the Republicans hath counseled among themselves, saying, "Soon shalt cometh the elections. If we couldst but raise Reagan from the dead, we wouldst have a mighty champion and slayer of Democrats."

And they hath searched their hearts.

Some crieth out for Romney, King of Mass, but his detractors saith "He flippeth and floppeth upon the issues, wherefore, we trust him not."

Some suggesteth Rudy, the mighty King of New Jerusalem, but he is regarded as deficient, for he is not the husband of one wife, and he tolerateth the sacrifice of infants to the God of Convenience.

Some clamoreth for Paul, the apostle of Libertarianism, but he is considered by the rulers to be possessed of an evil spirit and unelectable.

Still others endorseth Huckabee, deposed ruler of the southern kingdom, who humbles himself before God, and escheweth Liberalism. But the Moderates regardeth him not, and saith, "Is he not overmuch righteous?"

A few hath called out for McCain, Chief of the Desert tribes, but the chiefs considereth him, and findeth a taint, for he hath drunk not from the cup of gold water.

Many calleth out for Thompson, the champion of Law and Order, for he hath sat in judgment of kings and acted wisely in divers places.

The wiseth of the seers calleth out for Hunter, Counselor of Cal, and the scribes hath praised him, saying, "Is he not the mightiest Conservative of them all?" But their words are as sounding brass, and a tinkling cymbal, for the people regardeth him not as a viable candidate.

Thus are the Republicans lined up on the right side, ready to do battle against the enemy on the left. And in between is the valley of Credibility Gap.

Wherefore I saith unto ye, my brethern, let us pray.

22 comments:

Ms.Green said...

Hath not ye overlooked yet another? Sir Thompson of Tennessee? What dost thou have against this thespian of the mockingbird state?

P.S. I'm back. :)

Mark said...

I have nothing against him. I just forgot to mention him.

Trader Rick said...

You forgot the Republican nominee?????

Dan Trabue said...

Yeah, the repubs are in a world of hurt. But don't worry, the dems are pretty good at screwing themselves up...

Abouna said...

And far off in a secluded are of the Valley of Death waits the meek and mild Tancredo preparing his sling and gathering up stones.

At night, he prays fervently to the Lord for the opportunity to slay the Hillary giant who has terrorized the inhabitants of the Empire of York and now threatens the entire Land.

But those who slay their children to Moloch upon the altar of convenience, and those who indulge and gorge themselves at the feast of the Sodomites, along with the idolatrous pagans who have kicked the Lord to the curb, have raised such a clamor that the voice of Tancredo is silenced throughout the land.

As the smoke of the peoples abominations rose as a foul stench toward the highest reaches of heaven, the anger of God grew and silence fell upon heaven for the space of an hour.

ELAshley said...

The Ar-Kanzan slid through the foliage like a serpent unnoticed, the sinews of his mighty hand, taut beneath skin bronzed and scarred, hefted the weight of a great ax pitted and stained by the blood of untold men unwary and now littered upon the path to the presidency behind him.

'Let the corrupt priests of Liberalism run their own through the gauntlet,' laughed the Ar-Kanzan. 'I do not tire, nor does my ax cease to thirst for unrighteous blood!'

Mark said...

Fine prose indeed, Eric, but hardly the King James version.

ELAshley said...

It's the Robert E. Howard version

BB-Idaho said...

"What dost thou have against this thespian of the mockingbird state?"
Behold, Ms.green, thine inquiry perforce be akin to that of Paul of Texas. He was not mentioneth, for henceforce he shall remain in aloofness all the days of the primary.

Mark said...

Welcome back, Ms Green. I understand both the loss and joy you feel. I comfort myself with the certain knowledge that my father is in the Lord's presense.

tugboatcapn said...

Some clamoreth for Paul, the apostle of Libertarianism, but he is considered by the rulers to be possessed of an evil spirit and unelectable.

Knowest thou not that possession by evil spirits doth not of a certainty render one unelectable in these late times?

Rememberest thou not the reign of Carter the P-nutty, and of Clinton the First?

Knowest thou not that if evil spirit possession were a disqualifier for electedness, we wouldest not be havingeth a discussion involving Queen Hillary the Re-Clinton, bringer of Socialism and ridiculously expensive free healthcare of mediocre quality for all?

(Not that Tug endorseth Ron Paul, for indeed and alas, he is a nutcase...)

ELAshley said...

Clinton the FIRST!!!!????

Shut up! You'll Jinx it!!!!!!!!

tugboatcapn said...

And, Mark, verily I say unto you, my brother...

This may very well be-eth the coolest post that thou hast writtenest in a long, LONG time!

I laughedest my @$$eth off!

Mark said...

Tug Sayeth, "Knowest thou not that possession by evil spirits doth not of a certainty render one unelectable in these late times?"

Yea verily, this I well knowest. However, I did sayeth, "...possessed of an evil spirit and unelectable." I did not sayeth, Possessed, THUS unelectable.

And yes, my writing is uncool lately, because quite frankly, I am tired of being outraged. I want to have fun.

Mark said...

Are you all too young to appreciate the reference to Goldwater? I thought that was brilliant, if I do say so myself.

tugboatcapn said...

Indeed, t'was brilliant.

Tho, me thinkest that McCain mayest as well be possessed of a spirit... The spirit of Media Whoredom, and another still, which lusteth for the power of the Presidency and whatnot.

And there hast been nothing wrong with thy posting lo these past weeks... But I doth understandeth full well the desire to not be outragethed.

This is an Hobby. It shouldest be fun!

Al-Ozarka said...

Pray for Huckabee. He's got a lot of air-time coming up this week.

He'll be the nominee...you'll all be behind him in few weeks when you realize that his philosophy is closer to Reagan's than any of the..(cough, cough)..."viable" candidates!

Even you , Dan.

Gayle said...

I agree with Tugboat Captain: I "I laughedest my @$$eth off" too! LOL!

Mark, this is the most original post I've ever seen on the candidates yet. You have a wonderful sense of humor. Thanks so much for the laugh!

Timothy said...

Mark,
Thou has doneth well! May the Lord bless you with a quiver full... er... ok, probably not. :)

mudkitty said...

Man, you guys are just only starting to realize what saps you are.

tugboatcapn said...

And yet we've known for a LONG, LONG time what a sap YOU are, Mudkitty...

Go thou and figureth...

J.D. Nail said...

Begatting Of The Presidents. Orson Welles, 1969.