The Real Scoop On Quailgate

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." ~ George Carlin

Ever since the story of Vice President Dick Cheney's accidental shooting of his friend while hunting quail, I have been suspicious. Something just wasn't adding up, but I couldn't seem to put my finger on it.

So I decided to do a little investigating on my own. I have come up with some startling findings. The following is a summary of what I have learned after intensive investigation:

First of all, the victim, Harry Whittington, a 78 year old attorney from Austin, Texas, has a somewhat questionable past. According to a source close to Vice President Cheney, who has asked to remain anonymous, in the 60's, Whittington served as the attorney in a small claims court case against Halliburton. There is some speculation that Cheney never forgave him for winning the $250.00 settlement in that case.

This writer managed to find three people, who were actually present at the time of the shooting, or at least they knew someone who was. They have agreed to speak to me under conditions of anonymity. For the sake of this article we will just call them Larry, Moe, and Curly.

This is the transcript of the interview this writer conducted. It has only been slightly altered.

4 rows: I want to thank you gentlemen for agreeing to this interview. I know you are risking a great deal to expose this scandal.

Moe: Not all of us are gentlemen!

4 rows: I apologize for that. I was trying to keep your identities secret. I didn't want to leave any hints as to your true identities for your own safety... Uh, which of you are female?

Curly: (angrily) None of us are women! He didn't say we were female, he said not all of us are gentlemen!

4 rows: Oh, I do apologize. Let's move on to the questions now, ok? What, exactly, did any of you see, if anything?

Larry: Well, I saw that Cheney was wearing a very nice Mossy Oak brand camouflage hunting jacket with patches of hunters orange on the front. It was very attractive.

4 row: Yes, well... What about the shooting? Did any of you witness the actual shooting?

Moe: well, I wasn't actually there, but my friend Morty was and he said Cheney deliberately aimed at...Uh...What did you say his name was?

4 rows: Whittington?

Moe: Oh yeah...Well, Morty said Cheney shot him on purpose!

4 rows: And will Morty be willing to swear to that in a court of law? I mean....That's a pretty serious charge.

Curly: I know Cheney personally. He and I are good personal friends.

4 rows: Really? How long have you known him?

Curly: Well, actually, I met him last Saturday in the bathroom, but my second cousin has known him for years.

4 rows: Thanks for sharing, Curly. Did any of you actually witness the shooting with your own eyes?

Larry: Oh! Oh! Oh! I did! I did! I was about 300 yards away watching from behind a tree. The secret service wouldn't let me get any closer. But I saw it all clearly!

4 rows: Good! Now, we're getting somewhere. Tell me what you saw exactly.

Larry: Well, sir, When he shot, I was ...Uh...Doing my business behind the tree, you know, but I heard the shot, and I looked up and the guy was on the ground holding his head.

4 rows: What was Cheney doing?

Larry: He ran over to him and knelt down beside him. That's when I sneaked up real close so I could hear what they were saying.

4 rows: Did you hear anything?

Larry: Yes sir, I heard Cheney say to one of the secret service guys, "You know what they say, keep your friends close and your enemies closer." And then he laughed, real evil like.

Curly: My cousin said that ain't what he said. What he said was, "Revenge is a dish best served cold."

Moe: I heard he said both those things, and he had a real evil smirk on his face when he said it, too. Then he said, "That'll learn you to mess with Halliburton." except he didn't say "mess with", if you get my meaning.

4 rows: Will you men be willing to swear to these things in a court of law?

Moe: I'd sure like to, I really would, but I got to go to Lubbock on Wednesday, and I don't know when I'll be back.

Larry: I'm sorry. I have to get my cattle branded before the big cattle drive up to Kansas.

Curly: Yeah, what they said.

Upon further investigation, the writer has determined that the reason for the delay in reporting the story to the press was, according to one knowledgeable source, Cheney's assertion that, "If Teddy can wait until the next day, so can I. After all, I didn't kill anyone, like he did".

The investigation continues. I will not rest until Cheney is convicted and frog marched off to jail, or until my keepers catch up with me, whatever comes first.