What Hu Really Said

"Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work." ~ Will Rogers

I heard this on Rush Limbaugh's program today. He translated Chinese President Hu's speech at the White House. This very easily could be the exact translation as far as we know. Who here understands Chinese?

So, anyway, the bit opens up with the Chinese Presidents voice intoning in his native language, and then Rush translates. All the while Hu can be heard speaking in the background. I think it's funny:

Thank you, Mr. President, for your kind invitation that I know you really don't mean. I wanted a full state visit complete with state dinner. You denied my request. Instead I have to stand here in the sun, making like I'm enjoying this. I know you hate state dinners because you go to bed at nine o'clock but I wanted to party, like when our good friend Bill Clinton was here -- and I would have told you where bin Laden is if you'd given me the chance to boogie. Do you really think I would spend time in your shack in Texas? I see enough shacks every day without going to yours.

No way was I going to have a summit in a shack, as you originally wanted. No ChiCom leader will be caught dead in a photo-op chopping wood. In fact, no ChiCom leader will be caught dead. I also want to thank the American people for stopping the Dubai Ports deal. We, we own your ports...

(Protestor calling out.)

...and we will strangle you.

We didn't need Dubai. Everybody from Bill Gates to George Bush is complaining to me about intellectual property. Well, know this, America. Your intellectual property is ours. Bill Gates is an idiot, thinking he can intimidate me. I wouldn't use Windows if he paid me. I'm a Mac guy. That gaudy house of his made me sick.


(Protestor shouting)

Why don't you shoot that protester or run her over with a tank or send her to your prison called Club Gitmo and torture her? This is sabotage! Are you telling me that President Bush can't shut that woman up? Kim Jong Il warned me about this. I should have listened. Anyway, back to Bill Gates. That gaudy house of his made me -- somebody shut that woman up or I'm leaving! That gaudy house of Gates' made me sick. He's a true capitalist pig and he's proud of it. Such arrogance! And his menu, only three courses for the future dictator of the world? And I had my choice between halibut and steak? I'm tired of eating fish. You can't eat filet mignon with chopsticks.

I was tempted to tell him I wanted some white rice with missiles from Comrade Charlie Trie's restaurant in Little Rock just to see what he would do, and I don't appreciate being lectured to about our currency. We own most of your national debt. We have destroyed a significant portion of your manufacturing base with wages lower than you even pay those fool immigrants. If you keep this up we're going to sell the debt of yours that we own to Dubai. Here's the truth: You are a bunch of weak, devout cowards, more interested in watching American Idol than you are in defending your weak, pathetic capitalist pig country -- and, by the way, the way you portrayed us as inept on your show "24"? We knew Jack Bauer was alive all the time. He's not worth dealing with.

We will bury you.

The Chinese people are slaves. They will die on my command. Besides, I need get rid of about 300 million of them anyway because we can't feed 'em. What better way than by using them to bury you? Which reminds me: how come you're deporting our illegal immigrants who arrive in shipping containers at ports we run, yet you open your border to the Mexicans? You let Fox get away with solving his problems yet you stand in our way while pledging mutual understanding and cooperation?

We will bury you.

You think we have mutual strategic interests? Wrong (unless you Americans want to be buried). You'll believe any phony compliment offered by anybody! You don't even know me and you're treating me better than your own president. I know what your stupid drive-by media is going to do with the protester. They're going to get mad at her. They're going to ask, "Why in the world would Bush allow this to happen to disrespect me, a communist!" You are such softies!

We will bury you.

As far as the lunatic in Iran is concerned, the only thing stopping us from burying you now -- and I agree with that lunatic -- the only thing stopping us from burying you now is George W. Bush. We're patient people. We will wait 'til you elect a Democrat as president. As communists, we understand how to scare the hell out of them. We encourage global warming, because we get away with it without punishment. We know this is because you are scared to death of us, as you should be.

We will bury you.


And don't cry to me about oil and gasoline prices, Mr. President, when we have our meeting. We hope you continue to try and put your Big Oil executives in prison. We admire that, but don't think it makes us your friend. We have every bit the right to steal the world's resources as you do and we will continue to do so. I've already had secret meetings with the Saudis. They know that we are the future leader of the world plus they know we will bury them, too, if they don't supply our needs. We intend to bury them anyway. All this talk about limiting nuclear weapons is boring. Who do you think you are to tell a people of the world they can't kill you and anybody else they want?

We agree with your Democrats Senator Kennedy and Senator Kerry. America poses the biggest threat to freedom, security and prosperity. We look forward to working with them in a few years. We also look forward to expanding cooperation and technology and culture, because without yours we don't have any technology, and not much culture. Besides, we don't allow culture. Speaking of technology, we bought quite a bit of technology from our friend Bill Clinton, your ex-president, but we haven't seen all the deliveries. Now we learn that our friend Bill also allowed the stupid Iranians to nuke up. We will not be humiliated like this.

Do not try to export your liberalism to us. We have the real thing in China. We don't need cheap imitators. Listen to me on Taiwan. I'm only going to say this once: "We own it; it's ours, and they are dead or they soon will be." If you stop us, if you even try to stop us we will bury you sooner than we intend to. When I stand here and lie to you about working with the international community to build an enduring peace, I almost gag, because I couldn't care less about peace. We're into domination. But I know your sappy leftists love the talk of peace. I almost thought about showing up here in some Birkenstocks just for the fun of it. The thing is we didn't want peace; we want domination.

We will bury you.

And then we'll take care of the Russians once and for all. I also want to say to the American people I bring with me today a sizable donation to the Cynthia McKinney Legal Defense Fund, just as we contributed to President Clinton's defense fund. The People's Republic of China supports the oppressed peoples of all countries. Now I have to go inside this White House. I have to go into what's called the Oval Office, sit down, and listen to this cowboy preach to me about how wrong we in China are about things. You'll see some pictures of it, and when you do, notice that I am smiling. But that's on the outside, because on the inside, we are plotting to bury you. One other thing. We're going announce during my trip a huge, huge financial and business arrangement with your Wal-Mart. We love Wal-Mart in China. They build big factories, big warehouses. We will someday own Wal-Mart...

...and we will bury you.