Thursday, April 13, 2006

Beast Is A Democrat

"Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side." ~ Anonymous

A frequent commenter to my place here, and progressively moderate Liberal, Sheila, posed an interesting question to me on a previous post:

"What party affiliation is Beast?"

I laughed and, quite naturally, Immediately typed out "Beast is a proud Conservative Republican."

But later in the day, while driving, it suddenly occurred to me that I was wrong. To my chagrin, I have determined that Beast Is most definitely a Democrat! Let's look at the evidence, shall we?

First of all, Beast relies completely on the governing entity, me, for his sustenance. He receives his food, shelter, and medical care free. And appears quite satisfied with this arrangement. He does not have to work to enjoy the privileges of full citizenship, nor does he pursue gainful employment. So, he is obviously a proponent of the welfare state. Just like a Democrat.

When on walks, he constantly strains and pulls at the leash, especially, when a car is coming, he seems to want to put himself directly into it's path, indicating he prefers to go his own way, in spite of the fact that his actions may lead him into danger. That means he protests against the very thing that keeps him alive and safe. Just like a Democrat.

He puts complete trust in people who he doesn't know, who appear to be friendly, but who's intentions are unknown. Just like a Democrat.

When threatened, or even under an outright attack, he straightens out his curly little tail, and, tucking it firmly between his back legs, scurries for cover under the nearest chair or desk. From there he looks up at his antagonizer and whimpers. He never, under any circumstances, ever attacks back. Just like a Democrat.

When there are strangers just outside our door, he barks, but if we open the door, and allow the stranger in, he instantly becomes their best friend. He never bites them. Just like a Democrat.

He sits at my feet while I am eating the food that was provided by my hard work, hoping that I will toss him a crumb here and there. And if I don't give him some of what I earned with my hard earned money, he sulks. Just like a Democrat.

Occasionally, A van full of inmates from the local jail stops along the street here and they get out and start weed whacking, or picking up garbage, and other kinds of street maintenance, under supervision of the ever vigilant guard. Beast accepts these felons as friends, caring not what their offense might have been. If it were up to him, he would let them into our home and provide them with free care. Just like a Democrat.

Yes, my friends, if there is such a thing as the perfect Democrat, Beast certainly fits that profile.


Mark said...

In retrospect, perhaps I shouldn't have brought this subject up. The next thing you know, the Democrats will be campaigning to give dogs the vote.


Lone Ranger said...

That's what the animal rights movement is all about. If baboons ever get the right to vote, there will never be another Republican in the White House.

I used to refuse to paper my parrots' cages with the Washington Post because I was afraid they'd become socialists. But then, I came to the same conclusions you have. And what could be better than crapping on a liberal newspaper? It's justice epitomized.

Excellent entry.

Erudite Redneck said...

Witty. Clever.

But it reminds me of the old saw:

"Never let the facts stand in the way of a good story."


Timothy said...

Very well done. But I would like to say that my dog is NOT a complete Democrat... he will attack if pushed into a corner, or if he needs to protect one of us. So not all dogs are Dems... But not sure what that makes him... he would work, if I had sheep, so I think he is Republican on an extended vacation. :)

Dan Trabue said...

"Beast accepts these felons as friends, caring not what their offense might have been. If it were up to him, he would let them into our home and provide them with free care. Just like a Democrat..."

AND just like JESUS! Yep, your dogs all right with me. I wouldn't mind having more of his type voting at all...

Erudite Redneck said...

Ditto what Dan said.

ELAshley said...

I guess that makes my little Pepe an Uber-Liberal Democrat.

Tom said...

Cute and thought-provoking post. Could probably include my cats on this as well...

Trader Rick said...

If Dan Trabue ever read the New Testament, he sure didn't get it...

Marie's Two Cents said...

Haha, good one.

tugboatcapn said...

Mark, I almost wrote a very similar post last night but I was having trouble focusing, so I ran with that instead.

My dog Sydney is a Democrat as well. (Which is not surprising to me at all, since his I.Q is about 35.)

He is also a Buddhist. (Which isn't surprising either, since his breed originated in Tibet.)

This was a great post. I wish I had gone ahead and written it now.

Great mind really DO think alike, I guess...

Sheila said...

Once again,

I'm with Dan and ER and I like Beast!

Good Doggy!

The WordSmith from Nantucket said...

Very witty, Mark. Well done.

Poison Pero said...

Without being too graphic, what your dog drops in the yard is a DEMOCRAT as well.

Dan Trabue said...

Trader Rick snarked:
"If Dan Trabue ever read the New Testament, he sure didn't get it..."

Oh, really?

"God has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.
God has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners release the proclaim the Lord's year of favor [reference to the Year of Jubilee, where there was a great redistribution of wealth]"


"Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you."


"The Lord has brought down rulers from their thrones but has lifted up the humble. God has filled the hungry with good things but has sent the rich away empty."

-Mary, mother of Jesus [the apple didn't fall too far from the tree there, huh?]

"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter-when you see the naked, to clothe him..."

-Isaiah [Yeah, I know, OT, but his thoughts are repeated throughout the NT]

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' "

-Jesus [again!]

Shall I go on (and on and on), or perhaps you could help me out and let me know what part of the NT I'm/we're not getting.

It has been pointed out by those much more conservative than I that the Bible talks about wealth and poverty more than just about anything except Love. The Bible may not be a science book, but it certainly is an economic one.

Do me a favor, please, and tell me where I'm mistaken.

Dan Trabue said...

Tug said:
"My dog Sydney is a Democrat as well. (Which is not surprising to me at all, since his I.Q is about 35.)"

We don't really want to get in to denigrating the unintelligent (I thought elitism was the realm of the Dems) or comparing education levels of Dems vs. Republicans, do we, cap'n?

Mark said...

Dan, while I admire your tenacity in defending your psition regarding fauth and the Bible, try to keep in mind that this post was intended to be a humorous satire.

Mark said...

To ER and Lone Ranger:

ER, After publishing this blog now for almost a year, I believe this was the first time you ever directly paid me a compliment, sich as it was. Thank you.

Lone Ranger, Thanks for your compliment as well. Coming from professionals such as yourselves, I am extremely flattered.

FrenziedFeline said...

LOL! :)

I thought this was funny just because it was funny. Sad that Dan can't let go even for a minute. ;)

Dan Trabue said...

Hey, my first comment was a joke! I only got more serious and switched in to Sunday School teacher mode after Trader Rick made a serious comment denigrating those of us who take the Bible seriously.


Sheila said...


Don't worry or fret. This is a serious right wing blog. The people here are free to poke fun. The fun that they feel from the heart by the way.

We "Liberals" are here for the poking. Of course, "We Liberals" DO care about these poor mixed up souls and will continue to visit and attempt to rescue them.

Remember, If just one soul is saved, we will have done our job well. :)

Erudite Redneck said...

Oh, I've given you an attaboy or three. They are rare, though, I admit.

FrenziedFeline said...

I took the first comment as a joke, Dan. I even laughed out loud even though I was the only one in the room. :)

Okay, I guess I'd have to get after Rick, but I thought his was a joke, too.

I gotta quit reading this blog. Apparently it's not in my native language! ;)

Gayle said...

LOL Mark! Great analogy!

My dogs are definitely not Democrats though. They are all trained watchdogs and would gleefully tear an intruder apart. They are dependent on us for everything though, so maybe that makes them "paid security personnel". ;)